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More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History
HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.
With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.
Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.
“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”
Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”
According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/more-americans-expected-to-self-medicate-than-for-any-other-debate-in-history?mbid=nl_092616%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=11351118&spMailingID=9580989&spUserID=MTMzMTc5NTUzMDA1S0&spJobID=1002113474&spReportId=MTAwMjExMzQ3NAS2
HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.
With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.
Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.
“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”
Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”
According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/more-americans-expected-to-self-medicate-than-for-any-other-debate-in-history?mbid=nl_092616%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=11351118&spMailingID=9580989&spUserID=MTMzMTc5NTUzMDA1S0&spJobID=1002113474&spReportId=MTAwMjExMzQ3NAS2
Keep your stinkin' government hands off my Medicare.
Replies
I have a bottle of glenlivet set aside for the evening's festivities.
Two fingers for everytime Trump says the word 'best' or Hillary looks like she is going to seize.
I'd prefer to avoid alcohol poisoning if possible.
Yeah I told my wife she'd have to drink every time Trump said "wall" or "yuge" and that I would have to every time Hillary coughed; but then I realized we'd both be $hit faced in about 5 minutes and would be in sorry shape come Tuesday morning. I think we will skip the drinking game.
Answer - nothing good.
On Nov. 9 the debate will begin, perhaps with concern, perhaps with 1933 angst. But our country cannot long endure if we continue down a road of such crummy political leadership. I blame Twitter. And Estonia.
In hindsight, this may not be possible.
I get amnesty for anything I say in the next 40 minutes or so.
yeah there's no way. Pray and fast for me.