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George KGeorge K Super ModeratorPosts: 10,500 Senior Member
More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History

HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.

With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.

Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.

“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”

Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”

According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/more-americans-expected-to-self-medicate-than-for-any-other-debate-in-history?mbid=nl_092616%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20(1)&CNDID=11351118&spMailingID=9580989&spUserID=MTMzMTc5NTUzMDA1S0&spJobID=1002113474&spReportId=MTAwMjExMzQ3NAS2
Keep your stinkin' government hands off my Medicare.

Replies

  • This is our own fault, for elevating the presidency to the status of a Monarchy, both in fact and in aspiration. With a healthy Congress and judiciary, it's not as grave a concern who the president is. But without those things, and of course with Nuclear footballs, it changes the game and ups the ante considerably.

    I have a bottle of glenlivet set aside for the evening's festivities.
  • DeadbaitDeadbait Member Posts: 85 Member
    sherb wrote: »
    I have a bottle of glenlivet set aside for the evening's festivities.

    Two fingers for everytime Trump says the word 'best' or Hillary looks like she is going to seize.
  • Deadbait wrote: »
    Two fingers for everytime Trump says the word 'best' or Hillary looks like she is going to seize.

    I'd prefer to avoid alcohol poisoning if possible.
  • jbillyjbilly Senior Member Posts: 5,587 Senior Member
    Deadbait wrote: »
    Two fingers for everytime Trump says the word 'best' or Hillary looks like she is going to seize.

    Yeah I told my wife she'd have to drink every time Trump said "wall" or "yuge" and that I would have to every time Hillary coughed; but then I realized we'd both be $hit faced in about 5 minutes and would be in sorry shape come Tuesday morning. I think we will skip the drinking game.
  • MikeAMikeA Senior Member Posts: 4,807 Senior Member
    sherb wrote: »
    This is our own fault, for elevating the presidency to the status of a Monarchy, both in fact and in aspiration. With a healthy Congress and judiciary, it's not as grave a concern who the president is. But without those things, and of course with Nuclear footballs, it changes the game and ups the ante considerably.

    I have a bottle of glenlivet set aside for the evening's festivities.
    Agreed. One man or woman does not make or break a Republic.
  • George KGeorge K Super Moderator Posts: 10,500 Senior Member
    Again I plaintively ask - What does it say about the state of our society if it coughs up these two as our choices this year?

    Answer - nothing good.
    Keep your stinkin' government hands off my Medicare.
  • EdBEdB Senior Member Posts: 2,967 Senior Member
    We don't often agree, George (ever?) But on this we do. Too bad we can't agree on the solution.
  • creekguycreekguy Senior Member Posts: 4,092 Senior Member
    EdB wrote: »
    We don't often agree, George (ever?) But on this we do. Too bad we can't agree on the solution.

    On Nov. 9 the debate will begin, perhaps with concern, perhaps with 1933 angst. But our country cannot long endure if we continue down a road of such crummy political leadership. I blame Twitter. And Estonia.
  • sherb wrote: »
    I'd prefer to avoid alcohol poisoning if possible.

    In hindsight, this may not be possible.

    I get amnesty for anything I say in the next 40 minutes or so.
  • sherb wrote: »
    I'd prefer to avoid alcohol poisoning if possible.

    yeah there's no way. Pray and fast for me.

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