Home The Lodge

Friday Joke thread

Q: Why do KGB agents visit your house in groups of three?

A: One to read, one to write and another to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."


manda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John.

Question : Where is Amanda's husband?

Solution :

Amanda (MOM =M) is 21 years older than John (Child = C). M = C + 21

In 6 years from now, Mom will be 5 times as old as her Child.

M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, that is, -9 months

Child will be born in 9 months

So, right now, Amanda's Husband is..

INSIDE HER.


How may Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two; One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the ****... I mean ladder.


An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.

The engineer says, "we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow."

The chemist says, "with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane."

The economist says, "okay let's assume we have a boat..."

«1

Replies

  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    This is a true story about how I used to tell a lot of Polack jokes (those of you that don't know, I am of Polish descent).

    So I'm sitting in my local diner one day with a buddy of mine who is also a Polack. We're trading jokes, the typical stuff: how many Polacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb; how many Polacks does it take to change the toilet paper; etc.

    A guy sitting a couple of seats down the counter from us leans over and starts talking at us. Big guy. Kind of scary looking in dirty jeans and t-shrit, wearing a black leather vest that may actually have some biker gang's colors on the bike, I can't tell because he's sitting, long beard, bad teetch, you know the stereotype. Anyway this guy gets our attention and says "Hey, I'm Jim Kowalski, I've been putting up with **** polack jokes my whole life, how about you let me eat my lunch without having to hear that crap?"

    Buddy and I are pretty taken aback, but it seems a reasonable request, so we talk about something else for a few minutes. At that moment, my buddy remembers a good one that satarts "a rabbi, a priest and a Polack are at the Pearly Gates," at that moment this guy "Kowalski" leans over, glowers, and says "Hey, ****, I told you quit with the Polack jokes, you do it again you're gonna be sorry." At this the waitress who also manages the joint comes over and tries to calm the guy, gives us a reassuring smile (which isn't all that reassuring since this guy is big and teh waitress is 60 years old, female and about 5'2").

    We continue with our lunch and try to forget the guy. Just as we're getting ready to leave I remember a joke I've been saving up for my buddy, it's a good one. It involves a Polish farmer, and a travelling salesman's automatic cow milker. I'm just short of the punchline when I see "Kowalski" coming out of his chair, as he stalks across the restaurant toward us he shouts "I told you guys you'd be sorry if you told another Polack joke!" He reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out a razor, and I swear to god, if he could have found somewhere to plug it in, Kowalski would have killed us both.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
  • BuffcoBuffco Senior Member Posts: 10,586 Senior Member
    What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Putting her back in her wheelchair.
  • ouzelproouzelpro Senior Member Posts: 5,361 Senior Member
    Buffco wrote: »
    What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?]


    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Putting her back in her wheelchair.


    A ribbon for you, Sir.
  • HextallHextall Senior Member Posts: 9,520 Senior Member
    I don't know any jokes.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    We know you don't.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, ‘Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?’ Gödel replies, ‘We can't know that because we're inside the joke.’ Chomsky says, ‘Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.'

    Ponder that one for awhile.
  • ouzelproouzelpro Senior Member Posts: 5,361 Senior Member
    Bazinga!

    ______
  • ouzelproouzelpro Senior Member Posts: 5,361 Senior Member
  • HextallHextall Senior Member Posts: 9,520 Senior Member
    sherb wrote: »
    Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, ‘Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?’ Gödel replies, ‘We can't know that because we're inside the joke.’ Chomsky says, ‘Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.'

    Ponder that one for awhile.

    Someone reads Slate.com?

    [ ] Yes
    [ ] Ira Glass
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    I know, I stole it.

    But all of my jokes are too vulgar for a family board.

    well, here's one I always liked, mostly because its true.

    Q: what do lawyers use for birth control?
    A: their personalities.
  • creekguycreekguy Senior Member Posts: 4,362 Senior Member
  • HextallHextall Senior Member Posts: 9,520 Senior Member
  • HextallHextall Senior Member Posts: 9,520 Senior Member
  • BushartBushart Senior Member Posts: 3,041 Senior Member
    A young Canadian artist was attending the royal horse show.

    Walking up and down the aisles he notices a smug looking owner standing there being very proud of his horse.

    Now this artist seizes the opportunity and walks up to the owner and says.......I bet you $1000 I can make your horse laugh.

    Now the owner thinks this to be a no Brainer and takes the bet

    So the artist leans over and whispers into the horse's ear.....at once the horse breaks into wild laughter.

    Well the owner being honest pays the thousand

    Now the artist asks for double or nothin that he can make the horse cry.

    Well the owner thinks this to be a very easy way to regain his losses.

    Now the artist says one stipulation----I must take the horse just outside

    Now the owner questions and is assured the horse will not be physically harmed.

    So the artist takes the horse outside and soon returns crying like a baby with tears streaming down his long nose

    Ok the owner begrudgingly pays but insists how the artist performed these feats.....so he asks....how did you make my horse laugh----what did you whisper in his ear

    Artist replies----I told him my **** was bigger than his

    Well then how did you make him cry???

    Artist replies.....I took him outside and showed him
  • fishingcomicfishingcomic Senior Member Posts: 26,541 Senior Member
    Okay stop me if you heard this one before.

    A guy is training a kid to go with him on a gorilla hunt.

    He tells him, "This is how it works, we go into a jungle with a shotgun, a big club, and this specially trained pit bull. I climb in the tree and shake out the gorilla, the dog bites the gorilla on the nads and you beat the gorilla with club." The kid asks, "What is the shotgun for?" The guy tells him, "The shot gun is in case the gorilla shakes me out of the tree, you shoot that **** dog."
    'I've spoken of the Shining City all my political life. …In my mind it was a tall, proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, windswept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace; a city with free ports that hummed with commerce and creativity. And if there had to be city walls, the walls had doors and the doors were open to anyone with the will and the heart to get here. That's how I saw it, and see it still.'" Ronald Reagan
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    Looks like you blew a seal

    Naw ... that's just a little ice cream
  • GoldenladleGoldenladle Super Moderator Posts: 3,928 Senior Member
    monkeydoes wrote: »
    Looks like you blew a seal

    Naw ... that's just a little ice cream
    . . .

    good one!

    Moved to Montana, gonna be a dental floss tycoon.

  • ouzelproouzelpro Senior Member Posts: 5,361 Senior Member
    I got the "Homeland Security Has Blocked Your Computer" scam after your link.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    naw that's just a little snowden
  • FishTXFishTX Super Moderator Posts: 8,977 Senior Member
    monkeydoes wrote: »
    Looks like you blew a seal
    reminds me of...
    "We have to find someone who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner."

    Crooow:This music would work better with women in bikinis shaking all over the place. I guess that's true of any music really.
  • JulietJuliet Posts: 49,774 Senior Member
    so how come I can't link the vid file to screen from photobucket like they do from youtube?

    FishTX wrote: »
    reminds me of...
  • FishTXFishTX Super Moderator Posts: 8,977 Senior Member
    Don't know. I've never tried, so I just uploaded something to photobucket and get the same link back to my library.
    "We have to find someone who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner."

    Crooow:This music would work better with women in bikinis shaking all over the place. I guess that's true of any music really.
  • bakerloobakerloo Banned Posts: 980 Senior Member
    When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

    In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

    That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

    John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

    Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

    John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

    A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

    John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”
  • bakerloobakerloo Banned Posts: 980 Senior Member
    A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
    the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
    fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
    noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
    right now.
    As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
    day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
    vehicle?"
    He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
    [email protected] when you hear the price."
  • George KGeorge K Super Moderator Posts: 11,650 Senior Member
    Since posts are numbered we could update the old joke about convicts calling out numbers and getting laughter in return.
    The GOP big tent now is the size of a pup tent, its floor splattered with guano.
  • bakerloobakerloo Banned Posts: 980 Senior Member
  • BuffcoBuffco Senior Member Posts: 10,586 Senior Member
    George K wrote: »
    Since posts are numbered we could update the old joke about convicts calling out numbers and getting laughter in return.

    Explain. Never heard it.

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Emoji
Image
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file
Magazine Cover

GET THE MAGAZINE Subscribe & Save

Temporary Price Reduction.

SUBSCRIBE NOW

Give a Gift   |   Subscriber Services

PREVIEW THIS MONTH'S ISSUE

GET THE NEWSLETTER Join the List and Never Miss a Thing.

Get the top Fly Fisherman stories delivered right to your inbox.

Advertisement