Divorce and healing through fishing
Hello,After 20 years together, my now ex wife and I got divorced last September. It was a total shock, but I wont bore you with the ugly details. Lets just say it was a devastating experience and my soul is in dire need of healing and I think time on the water may be just the thing for that. So, being a teacher with June, July, and August off, I have this plan to fish every single day of the summer. I will miss a few here and there traveling to various destinations by car or by foot. But the overall goal is to get really lost for a while and see if it helps. I have an 11 year old son who likes to fish and play in the mountains so when I have him I will bring him along. Does anyone out there have a story similar? Did fishing help you through a tough time? I am looking for hope
Thanks,Dan
Copyright © 2009 Intermedia Outdoors
I haven't had to resolve anything that profound, but certainly wish you well. Time on the water has always proven to be very therapeutic for a lot of things for me. Something about standing in moving water that seems to let me find peace in troubled times and reveal the answers or needed perspective. God bless.
Modified by RatherBeFF at 9:57 AM 4/4/2009
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be tough.
I got back into fishing when my mother passed away after a long fight with cancer.I had one surf rod which I took to the Hudson River, never thinking that I'd become a real angler.
With all that's gone on in my life and in the world I don't know how I'd survive without fishing.
Here's part of my story, A Reason To Fish:
http://www.flyandspincasting.c....html
Randy
Modified by randyflycaster at 3:51 PM 4/4/2009
Friend, if you're looking for "hope" than look no farther than Jesus. Come by and visit CFF at the link in my signature. We have another fellow "who also posts on this board" who lives in your area who has a passion for Christ and flyfishing!
aa
only posers keep clean cork!
http://www.geocities.com/cff1611/index.html
Quote, originally posted by parsond »
More than you know... family and friends' deaths, breakups, etc. "and possibly the main reason I've never gotten married"Great solace there for me.Embrace your self-indulgence and slather yourself, you deserve it. The outdoors IS my religion.I'm Ron ****ing Swanson.
I have to agree with Swizz on this one. The outdoors is spritual and provides healing.
I would immerse myself in it really deep. When you've forgoten what day it is and stop setting schedules, your almost there. Take the kid on a really fun trip, like maybe floating the Middle Flathead or even backpacking on Isle Royal. It'll get ya away from it all.
"The best beer cooler in the world will always be the edge of your favorite river."
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."
Ronald Reagan
Man, I'm there.4 years ago after 36 years of marriage and two wonderful sons, my wife decided to leave with her female lover. My decision, and really the only one, was to CONTINUE WITH WHO I WAS/AM. So I continued with the fishing clubs, drumming in a band "resurgence for me" and being more engaged in other present interests "i.e. cooking".
I think these 'pass-times' are important because while doing them you are not young or old, married or single, you are just YOU - with your own sense of wonder, curiosity, satisfaction, or ....
A number of years ago a woman friend of my ex-wife and myself was divorced and revealed after a few months that she was discovering herself. I thought she should obviously know herself. However now I understand. She had shed the we glasses and was using the I glasses.
By relying on what you love and what you know, you have a base for learning/acknowledging your passions and limits. There will be water tributaries to explore and personal ones too, and the journey will be mostly wonderful. Our lives are just a story and you are now on a new chapter. You have 3 priorities straight however, and that's a good thing; you love the outdoors, fishing, and your son. Go with that.
Good Luck.
Been there.....
Although I will say it is easy to get bitter or get caught up in a million distractions "ie girls, fishing, etc", anything to forget a divorce and what the kids might be going through.
All I can say is get back to being "yourself" as soon as you possibly can. Don't waste several years of your life in grief over one of lifes bitter pills.
WWW.FLYFISHINGARKANSAS.COM
Been there too although fishing was likely one of the reasons for the divorce in the first place! Both times..
Ahh well you get over it and move on. Just takes a bit o' time. And do it your own way. Only thing I'd offer is don't bottle things up. Use the mouth. Best relief valve there is. And don't hit the 
.
"Perhaps a century ago, the Reverend Canon Greenwell of Durham, England, bought faith to his congregation. He also brought a trout fly, Greenwell's Glory, which is still used today. His sermons, however, have been long forsaken to the passage of time" -
Dan,
I've been in the same position and your plan will work perfectly. Don't let anything get in the way of your plans....your son will be a welcome companion. The wild is a healing place, without question and rivers will do some serious work on your psyche if you give yourself over. I might also suggest reading William Humphrey's HOSTAGES TO FORTUNE...a dark book with a fly fishing backdrop. The protagonist comes out alive, I can tell you that much, and you will benefit from his interior journey.
peace,
delp
Founding Member of the FFN
"Resist much. Obey little."
"The modern conservative is engaged in one of mankind's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness."
never been through a divorce, but at 31, I lost my lovely bride to a 3 year fight with breast cancer, I had a 4 year old daughter, 8 year old son, I was 4 years remarrying. She was a blind date and I gave up a backpacking trip in the Smokies to meet her.
Flyfishing with some Woodcock and Waterfowl hunting was what got me through it. Sherry has been gone 20 years the 24th of last month. I still miss her, do your greiving, crying and time will heal.
Remember what a lady coworker told me, God won't put nothing on you, you can't handle.
Hello: Sorry to hear about your divorce. That is one of the worst things a person can go through. I am not divorced but have been married for 20 years and have two very active teenagers, commute 2-3 hours to work 5 days a week, live in southern California and am a probation officer with an adult case load of over 300 cases. If it were not for fly fishing I would have lost it long ago. Just to go to a park lake and fish for bluegill for an hour or two before work makes all the difference in the world. So like the others have said fish your brains out it will help. Can't agree more that the outdoors is the true church. I feel closest to GOD when I am out in his creation, catching one of his most beautiful creatures. Good luck with your healing, emotional pain is the worst there is no pain pill for it.
Lanny
Not personally, but I have a buddy "coincidentally, I am going fishing with him in about 12 hours" who did that. Ugly divorce, quit his job and spent about 6 months living out of his camper and fishing the west. He credits it for saving his sanity.
not a divorce per se since we were not married but flyfishing has helped me through the long bitter child custody battle... i think.
ericfresno, ca.
This may amuse some:
"Perhaps a century ago, the Reverend Canon Greenwell of Durham, England, bought faith to his congregation. He also brought a trout fly, Greenwell's Glory, which is still used today. His sermons, however, have been long forsaken to the passage of time" -
Johnno, you have excellent taste in literature.
I may not have a pot to piss in, but there are always folks worse off than me.
I hear and read about so many bitter divorces and custody battles - a few of my friends just about went bankrupt - I'm really wondering if getting married is ever worth the risk.
"I abruptly ended a relationship because, even though I was in love, I felt I couldn't trust her. Some days I regret what I did, other days I'm grateful I'm not in a painful relationship or divorce."
Also, I find it sad and frightening that two people who love each other can become such bitter enemies. How does it happen?
Randy
Modified by randyflycaster at 3:43 PM 4/6/2009
Dan,
Too many of us have been where you are now and travelled the same path. Six years ago my journey began and I can say thank goodness for my children, fishing, fishing friends, and communities like this one. They all helped me get through and gave me purpose and great pleasure. One day you will look back and be thankful for having something that helped you move on with your life. Enjoy each and every moment, life gets better.
Jerry
Dream the Life ~ Live the Dreamhttp://flyreeldots.comFlyReelDots, ZipCast, Fly Tyer's Finger Treatment, Tippet Threader, Magnetic Fly & Rod Guards, ZDO Feather/Craft Bags
Seems like I am not the only one to have had my sanity saved by fly fishing. While I have not been through a divorce "sometimes I question my wife's sanity" I truly think that if it were not for fly fishing and the escape from the world it can provide I would have been in serious trouble. Thankfully I realized that picking up a fly rod was far more better for me than picking up other very bad habits.
Fly fishing helped save me a second time, after my plane crash. Just before I went under for major orthopedic surgery the doc told me not to expect a miracle and that I may have a serious limp and possibly need a cane for the rest of my life. The last thing I said to him was to do his best because after I get back on my feet I am moving back to Montana. All through rehab being able to hike to mountain streams was a major incentive for me!
Good luck, get through one day at a time and remember that your son will benefit the most from you getting through this in one piece.
When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
Thomas Jefferson
My father died in 1999, and I hadn't picked up a fly rod in 20 years. He taught me as a kid, but I had left it behind. Not long after, cleaning out his stuff, I found our old 'glass rods and though it may be trite, I fished and shed tears and in that way came to terms with his passing. I also have been fly fishing every since.R
"And look at Elias Wonder. Yeah, take a gander at that buzzard. Forty years ago he was happy, generous, charitable, tall, dark and handsome. Then he took up the fly rod. Now consider him. Uglier than fresh road kill. Evil-eyed, cantankerous, sullen, mean.
Parson, let me suggest getting into fly tying, if you're not already. I haven't been through a divorce, and can't guarantee results, but always found therapeutic value in the concentration on minutiae that flytying requires. I ran a public airport for sixteen years, and many were the evenings I would come home spitting rivets. An hour at the vise was all it took to make me worth living with again. Give it a shot.
RC
"Never make people laugh. If you would succeed in life, you must be solemn, solemn as an a$$. All great monuments are built over solemn asses." -- Senator Thomas Corwin "Whig-OH"
I also think that flyfishing is mostly the cause of divorces or breakups, but it has a healing power ...no doubt! BTW Tying hepls too!*
T
Dan,
Me and my, now, ex girlfriend split up last september. We had been together for 10 years. A couple of weeks after the break up I went fishing for a week in Austria and it helped me a lot. Being in the mountains, hearing the water flow, concentrating on fishing helped to set my mind, that had been spinning wildly, at rest.
The only advice I have is, let the fishing help you to overcome your sorrows but dont push them away into the backcountries of your mind with it otherwise they will turn up again in the most inconvenient moment possible.
Tight Lines,
Noud
"Many men go fishing all of their lives without ever realising it's not the fish they're after"; H.D. Thoreau
sorry to hear about your divorce.
for me it's been layoffs. Fishing gives me something to look forward too, which always gives hope to the future. Its a great sport where you can hit your peak in your 60's.
Mark Graumlich
Lots of bitter people here.
Fishing remained a link to my old life after my wife of 31 years succumbed to breast cancer, but I only returned to rod-building and fly-tying several years later after re-marrying.
There is no magic bullet or external force. Your life is what you yourself make of it.
Quote, originally posted by swizz »
We are like Bruthas you n me!
Flowing water heals all! Good Luck!
You just need to Monkey Up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...lated
Getting some strange for the first time since you were 19 will heal you better than flyfishing.
Been there, done all three.
Chicago 2016: Thanks for nothing Mr. President
I guess in one sense I'm jealous. At this point in my fishing career I find that fishing doesn't always soothe me. Fishing seems to bring my feelings to the surface, so if I'm harboring some resentment I really feel it - not that that's bad.
A stream, a river are great places to meditate, to remind myself that there's so much beauty in the world, so much beauty in staying in the moment.
Happy holidays.
Randy
Modified by randyflycaster at 1:40 PM 4/10/2009
I fished pretty hard through my first marriage...and for three years after the divorce. In fact, I stayed out at my farm and did little but hunt and fish...it was great solace. But, after the deaths of two kids...one from the first family and an infant from my second...fishing did little for me. All I had to do was walk out back and fish...but, the little things like losing a fly or hooking a willow, caused my frustration levels to go through the roof. I got nothing out of it...only time can heal some wounds. That said...starting over with someone else can create joy that voids the pain, or at least help carry the burden. Don't shut out others for the fish...they will always be there.
I have been through the death of both of my parents, a seriously bad car wreck, giving up drugs/alcohol, moves, job changes & life in general. I have found that Fly Fishing requires the focus to forget "albeit temporarily" the current dilemma. As Randyflycaster said, it can become a meditation... by doing so, "unwelcome feelings" can come to the surface... although "unwelcome" they become easier to accept & move on because the feelings are acknowledged.Tears, during my mother's illness, while casting were a surprise but it felt "right" somehow.later,Peter
"Life's a joy when I let it be"
Daniel,
Thanks for sharing and i also got divorced when my son was about 11 and the main scare was how it would affect my son. As mentioned so correctly above, you all will heal and flyfishing and it's solitude does it very well. But you will meet another attractive woman
rf
RF
My parents divorced in the when I was twelve in the Sixties - a time when divorces were few and far between. Yes, I felt great shame, but it was better than having to listen to my parents argue and argue.
In fact, I wish they would have done it sooner.
Randy
I was looking for an excuse to fish more. Divorce it is.